Mum is mad at dad for leaving and I'm stuck in the middle even though I'm an adult

Dear Coleen

I’m a woman in my mid-20s and I have a son with my long-term partner. I love my life and everything would be perfect, except my parents are at war with each other – my mum hasn’t forgiven my dad for leaving her for a younger woman.

While he’s moved on with her and they now have a baby daughter, my mum is still very bitter over it all and it’s ruining her life, as well as making me and my sister miserable.

The latest dilemma is that my dad has invited me and my son and partner, and my sister to spend a couple of days with him at Christmas and we don’t know how to tell mum.

We’re not allowed to even mention his name in front of her and we don’t tell her when we’ve seen him because it always ends up with her having a meltdown. I can’t imagine how to tell her about Christmas.

I do feel sorry for my mum, but I also want her to let it go and start living her life again. She’s dated a bit over the past couple of years, but none of the guys stick around because she’s so up and down. We know our dad hurt mum deeply and we’re not OK with it, but he’s still our dad and we want to see him without sneaking around.

I just wish my parents could be on friendly terms. My dad has tried to reach out, but mum’s not interested. We hate having to lie to her all the time, but what can we do?

Coleen says

It’s a very difficult situation, but you can’t force your mum to be friends with your dad and you can’t wave a magic wand and make everything right.

Of course it’s been easier for your dad to move on because he was the one who did the leaving and he has a partner, a new baby and a new life. He’s doing fine.

But why wouldn’t your mum be struggling when your dad threw a grenade into her life? It’s not as easy as just “moving on” because there are complex emotions involved.

If you’re able to have an open conversation with your mum, suggest the idea of counselling because I really believe it would help her to release the anger and help her to start focusing on herself and what she needs. Her self-esteem will have taken a battering, so you and your sister could think of ways to boost her confidence and make her feel loved and supported.

Of course you should have a relationship with your dad and see him at Christmas, but I think your mum needs you more, so when it comes to the holidays, why not give her more of your time?

As for telling her about seeing your dad, you just have to come out and say it and reiterate that while you hate what he did, you still love him and don’t want to feel as if you have to choose between them.

Talking is key, so don’t avoid hard conversations. Stop sneaking around behind her back and face the issues.